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Instead the integrated parent selves work with and along side the aware adult/aware ego. Inner parent selves like these can be grown or created within us as explained below.
There seem to be several reasons why there needs to be two of inner parents one of each need gender. The characteristics below could just as easily be found in either parent but at least one inner parent should be present to look after the following.
Inner father -
Inner mother -
Guidelines for Growing or Facilitating an Inner Parent
Because there is no fully formed self on board you may need to grow one. It is best if you have a facilitator to guide you through the growing process but if you need to try doing it yourself.
1. The process of inducting or growing an Inner Parent should be conducted as a “ceremony”
2. The ceremony needs to be visualised. (best if the eyes remain closed)
3. The ceremony needs to be visualised as taking place in a ceremonial setting, on a stage, around a fire (with drums beating or people chanting) in a cave, in a magician’s laboratory, in a church, at the top of a hill, on a beach..... You get the idea? Some people visualise performing the ceremony on a cloning laboratory which is surprisingly appropriate.
Picture the scene.
1. Think of some of the characteristics you would like to have in an inner parent within you.
2. Think of some other person you know or have known in the past (a big sister, uncle, teacher, neighbour etc.) who showed some of the characteristics you would like.
3. However, when you are doing this make sure the new inner parent’s characteristics are not based on those found in your own dysfunctional natural or step parents or physically resemble these people.
4. Think of a film, book or movie character who had some of the characteristics you would like in your inner parent.
Facilitator might then ask client to move (or client moves themselves) to a place where an inner parent can be facilitated, and dialogue with that parent about whether it can provide these kinds of protection and how it might do this.
Discuss other ways the parent self might want to help to provide protection.
Check to see if other selves are comfortable with the role of the inner parent.
If appropriate dialogue afterwards with inner child to discover what it thinks or feels about the new inner parent.
Everybody has some kinds of inner parent selves inside already but as long as you are not aware of them you can’t make much use of them. A few like the inner critic are not the kind of inner parent selvs you really need anyway.
A better kind of inner parent are the ‘integrated’ selves meaning that while similar to ordinary selves in some ways they differ in that you are aware of them and they are less likely to be:
(a) judgmental or polarised
(b) either too impersonal one above or too personal one below.
"I don't agree." said Kate (speaking with considerably more insight I had been using). "Lots of inner selves in my inner village love getting me into new relationships. The trouble is the kind of relationships they get me into!"
And that started me thinking.
Of course, she was right, there are many inner protector inner selves (inner selves) who know a great deal about particular kinds of relationships and about getting in and out of them.
Power and Control
It's safe to say that nearly every character in the average inner village is concerned about a core issue related to our sense of vulnerability or safety. That issue can be summed up the in a couple of words "Power and Control".
Most of our inner village inner selves, being rather young emotionally, know lots about "parent-
Lots of other selves are experts in handling relationships based on a mixture of rewards and or punishments as a way of controlling someone else. Come to think of it , although this relationship is a may appear to involve a different "power and control" set-
And if regular bouts of fights or arguments between two people who say they love each other can be classed as a "relationship" then I have to agree with Kate. The inner selves who live and fight in these two Inner Villages need to know lots and lots and lots about getting into conflict-
What I meant to explain to Kate, and it is now coming clearer, is that that none of the different kinds of inner protector inner selves described above are really "grown-
And as you come to understand more about the inner selves in a typical inner village you cannot help but notice that one of the things that most of them lack is a "grown-
This is not their fault and we do not criticise them for it it's more that they came into existence, for most of us, when we were children and they did what they had to do to protect us at that time. But they did it in an under-
Copyright © John Nutting 1996 -
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Inner selves are often under-
But they are trying to do a grown-
"You know," I remarked to my friend Kate (speaking from one of my more knowledgeable and rather authoritarian inner inner selves) "One of the troubles with each and every character who lives in our inner villages (our inner selves) is that each time we start a new relationship it means more work and more worry for them. No wonder so many of them really don't want us to get into relationships at all."